Possessed

Invisible bandages
Wrap me like a mummy
Squeezing ever tighter
Until I can no longer breathe
Sweat pours from my palms
My heart pounds frantically
As though it must expend
All of its remaining beats
Within the next few minutes
Every muscle tense to breaking point
Every molecule with antennae
Extended waiting for the threat
That will never arrive
Adrenalin floods my veins
Panic sets in
An urgent need to flee
And escape the office confines
But there is no known trigger
Today
No twisted mental processing
No agitated mind
This is purely a body memory
A unique anxiety experience
That I wish I could stop
Tears flow from frustration
The shaking and stuttering begins
Now the mind joins the party
And fails to focus as it flits
From one random thought to the next
I have lost all control
My efforts to relax are in vain
There are no answers
This is just how it is
Flashbacks start and I can do nothing
Except let them do their thing
Unheeded and uninfluenced
They will pass in good time

Redress

I don’t want to sound bitter
Or twisted
Or ungrateful
But fuck!!
Is my trauma any less?
Is my pain not as hurtful?
Is my loss of childhood worth nothing,
While yours is worth a hundred grand?
Seriously, I don’t understand!

Settle

I knew I’d lost my happy,
But didn’t realise
Just how low I’d become.
For the first time in weeks
I smiled today – really smiled –
And remembered life is fun.
I remembered who I am,
What I’m all about,
Why I always used to run.
But the gypsy blood is dormant,
I no longer crave escape,
Perhaps,
My roaming days are done?
Instead I want to settle,
For at least a little while,
To stabilise, consolidate,
And heal the damaged one.

Wandering Mind

Two hours sleep, but now wide awake
And I have to be on the road
In three hours time

Not a nightmare, but a dream just as vivid
Played on the screen in my mind
Leaving me breathless

Sitting here now, my mind wanders round
The memories of recent times
Leading me to you

A deep, dark, mystery, never to be understood
And I think I have given up
Trying anyway

My gratitude can never be expressed in words
Nor the pain with any reason
And as for emotions…

It is what it is, and will be whatever it will
There’s certainly no controlling
The content or direction

The Universe brought us together with force
Hopefully for some kind of reason
Yet to be revealed

I have so much I want to share with you
On every level imaginable
Before our time is up

My restless mind is starting to wander again
With any luck this time it will be
In the direction of sleep

Strengthen Me

Kick me when I’m down!
Go ahead,
Do your best
To destroy all that I am!
What you don’t know,
But probably should,
Is the worst
Has already been inflicted,
And I have risen,
Like the Phoenix from the ashes,
More times than
I care to remember.
So, bring it on!
Challenge me!
Fire the forge once more,
To make me
Even stronger than I am!

Adaptation

Adjusting to the new normal,
Takes a little time.
Replacing what was,
With what is,
Messed around by the mind.
Interpreting behaviour,
On clear and current fact,
Instead of past
Experiences
So the self
Remains intact.