In Training

Maybe you broke me
Made me fully compliant
Achieved what no one else has
But this hasn’t destroyed me
It’s prepared me for what comes next
What an amazing training ground
Our rollercoaster ride has been
I will be forever grateful


Each day is another step back
No hope now to get on track
I’m not sure there is anything left
And if I think too much I feel bereft
But I know it’s all meant to be
Eventually we will have phase three
For the here and now though
It’s time to turn and go
In separate directions


I’m complicated and messy
Sometimes mad and insane
But you wouldn’t know from the outside
Because I appear average and normal
And apparently to some I am “sexy as hell”
If only I had a dollar for every message
From you and others
Claiming a desire to be “balls deep”
My financial problems would be solved
But physical satisfaction is not enough
My soul is screaming for a connection
For love and devotion
For someone who values all the things
That make me who I am
Not just my mind or body alone
But the whole mixed up crazy package
A year ago I concluded it would never be
It was not possible because I’m not lovable
Usable and disposable it seems
But not as a whole complicated mess
You came along and made me think
I had been wrong on that account
Made me think I might be lovable after all
But the lies and deception and
External interference
Has been more than we can conquer
So now it’s back to being used and disposed
And to knowing I am unlovable

Do I Regret It?

Do I regret it?
No, not at all.
I’ve loved every minute,
The laughter, the tears,
The joy and the stress.
Every moment taught me
Something about life and myself.
The memories are precious,
I’d do it again, just the same.
So, no regrets, only sadness
That it’s all coming to an end.