Face Down

Sitting on the edge of a cliff
Wondering if I should jump
But Billy’s singing “My Life”
And I want to hear that song
The ocean below’s blue and deep
Waves crash with a passion
I wish I truly felt
Goose bumps respond to the chill
As the sun hides its face
In the greyness above
For now I will sit and think
And maybe write a while
Face down the temptation
To escape into oblivion
And be free of all this Hell

What Happened?

What happened to the lover of life,
The go-getter, the joy-maker?
What happened to finding wonder
In the smallest, most trivial things?
What happened to the Goddess,
The confident, independent woman?
What happened to que sera,
Whatever will be, detachment?
What happened to me?

Promise

This isn’t how it was meant to be
It’s not the way we planned
The vision we had of you and me
Erased, like the tide washes sand
We thought we would build a life
On friendship and on love
But we’ve had all sorts of strife
To try and rise above
For a while it seemed we would succeed
That all would make us stronger
But now it seems we must concede
The strength we had’s no longer
There is still some time of course
For things to change and grow
But my heart fills with remorse
For the things you think you know
The hands of time I guess will tell
If all these forces overcome us
But for now I wish you well
And make you this one promise
No matter where our lives may lead
Together or apart
You will always be with me
In the centre of my heart

Clouds

Patchy, wispy clouds
Remind me of my life
Fractured and random
Periods of solid
Interrupted
By nothingness
Feelings of despair
Between
Happy and sane
All the while
Moving slowly
In a direction unknown

Mt Biondello

For the second Sunday in a row, I am standing on top of a mountain. This time, however, I am completely alone – no daughter beside me, and no other people out adventuring.

Although this is only a hill compared to Mt Ngungun, of Weekend Callenge #3 fame, it was, in many ways, much more challenging for me. For a start, I took it on all by myself. Also, although the walking track is much smoother than that of Mt Ngungun and there aren’t any stairs, some parts were a much steeper incline, making my body work a little harder for the reward of a rest at the top.

The week between the two climbs has also been challenging – the possibility of having to leave the only place I have ever felt truly at home, insecurity at work, the destruction of trust, the loss of love, high anxiety levels, a panic attack, and almost 24 hours of non-stop crying – it’s been a heck of a week!

Sitting here alone, on top of this hill that is known as a mountain, I have plenty of time and space to contemplate things. I am, however, distracted by the beauty of the sights and sounds around me, and by the deep sense of peace rising within.

Most of the things causing me stress and anxiety at the moment are beyond my control, I know that, and I know I need to be patient and have faith everything will be as it is meant to. Unfortunately, waiting is not, and never has been, one of my strong points. Waiting, uncertainty, ‘limboland’, whatever you want to call it, is one of the surest triggers for my anxiety, and even after all this time I have not yet found an effective way to cope with that state of being.

Getting out of the house, and continuing to challenge myself to live every moment like it’s my last is definitely a far better use of my anxious energy, however, than sitting at home, drowning in my mind.

Feel free to share any anxiety triumphs, challenges, or experiences in the comments below – how do you refuse to hand over control to your anxiety?