Ache

The beauty of the day is not lost
Even though tears are pouring out
Physical evidence of the cost
Of a mind that’s been fucked about
Craving more than withdrawal
Aching longingly for extinction
The torture of being abnormal
Leaves invisible marks of distinction

Unsure

When I am in your arms,
I want to stay there forever!
When I haven’t seen you for a while,
With no reply to my texting endeavours,
I want to push you away and leave.
But when the push comes from you,
I am completely lost, and
Unsure what to do.

No Regrets

I sat here the night I met you.
Memories come flooding back.
Who knew I’d be here again,
Ten months down the track?
Contemplating the journey,
That’s coming to an end.
Still trying to understand it,
Because it’s never made much sense.
To be so drawn and bound,
To one you barely know,
And yet be oh so grateful,
That you’ve helped me learn and grow.
Would I go back and change it?
Not for a second would I choose,
To pass up the strange experience,
Of knowing you as I do.
But I know I know you not,
The real you I barely glimpse.
Beneath the fibs and lies,
Of the truth there’s only hints.
Still I’m sure I can see,
The one you really are,
Just dying to be set free.
The incredibly loving person,
Beneath a life that’s so unreal,
Buried and consumed,
By wounds that’ll never heal.
Perhaps that is what binds us –
Two souls so badly broken,
Needing to give and receive love,
But have words remain unspoken?
Because a bond we can’t deny,
Definitely exists.
And even in adversity,
Our love continues to persist.
You doubt my every word,
As I doubt each of yours,
But there’s no doubt about our love,
As we know that it endures.
But the time is fast approaching,
For us to go our separate ways,
Both hearts are not just breaking,
But shattering, a thousand different ways.
If I could have this time again,
I’d do it all the same.
I’d love each tender moment,
And suffer all the pain,
Because when all is said and done,
I know one thing to be true,
I’m such a better person,
For the time I’ve spent with you.

Mt Biondello

For the second Sunday in a row, I am standing on top of a mountain. This time, however, I am completely alone – no daughter beside me, and no other people out adventuring.

Although this is only a hill compared to Mt Ngungun, of Weekend Callenge #3 fame, it was, in many ways, much more challenging for me. For a start, I took it on all by myself. Also, although the walking track is much smoother than that of Mt Ngungun and there aren’t any stairs, some parts were a much steeper incline, making my body work a little harder for the reward of a rest at the top.

The week between the two climbs has also been challenging – the possibility of having to leave the only place I have ever felt truly at home, insecurity at work, the destruction of trust, the loss of love, high anxiety levels, a panic attack, and almost 24 hours of non-stop crying – it’s been a heck of a week!

Sitting here alone, on top of this hill that is known as a mountain, I have plenty of time and space to contemplate things. I am, however, distracted by the beauty of the sights and sounds around me, and by the deep sense of peace rising within.

Most of the things causing me stress and anxiety at the moment are beyond my control, I know that, and I know I need to be patient and have faith everything will be as it is meant to. Unfortunately, waiting is not, and never has been, one of my strong points. Waiting, uncertainty, ‘limboland’, whatever you want to call it, is one of the surest triggers for my anxiety, and even after all this time I have not yet found an effective way to cope with that state of being.

Getting out of the house, and continuing to challenge myself to live every moment like it’s my last is definitely a far better use of my anxious energy, however, than sitting at home, drowning in my mind.

Feel free to share any anxiety triumphs, challenges, or experiences in the comments below – how do you refuse to hand over control to your anxiety?

Outsider

The decisions I make, may be confusing from the outside,
But they are my decisions.
The battle between head and heart leads in strange directions,
Far outside the conformity of social norms.
Alienated by feelings and emotions so foreign and intense,
Creating a loneliness too painful to express.
No one to express it to anyway,
As no one understands, but instinctively pass judgement,
Rubbing salt into the wounds inflicted by the self-flagellation
Of trying to find self-acceptance as an outsider in the world.