Unlovable

I’m complicated and messy
Sometimes mad and insane
But you wouldn’t know from the outside
Because I appear average and normal
And apparently to some I am “sexy as hell”
If only I had a dollar for every message
From you and others
Claiming a desire to be “balls deep”
My financial problems would be solved
But physical satisfaction is not enough
My soul is screaming for a connection
For love and devotion
For someone who values all the things
That make me who I am
Not just my mind or body alone
But the whole mixed up crazy package
A year ago I concluded it would never be
It was not possible because I’m not lovable
Usable and disposable it seems
Yes
But not as a whole complicated mess
You came along and made me think
I had been wrong on that account
Made me think I might be lovable after all
But the lies and deception and
External interference
Has been more than we can conquer
So now it’s back to being used and disposed
And to knowing I am unlovable

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