You

I don’t want you,
But I need you.
I don’t like you,
But I love you.
I don’t own you,
But I’m bound to you.
I can’t keep you,
But I can’t leave you.
I can’t see you,
But I can’t erase the image of you.

My Mind

If I like myself so much,
Why am I constantly trying
To avoid sitting in silence
With my own mind?
Probably because
My mind is the only
Part of me I am yet
To accept and embrace.
You see, my mind
Has a mind of its own,
And likes to play tricks on me,
Telling me lies
About myself and others.
My mind is at odds,
And often at war,
With my heart and body.
My mind wants to destroy me,
But what it fails to understand,
Is if I cave to its demands,
My mind itself
Will no longer exist.

Weekend Challenge #1

For as long as I can remember I have had a fear of being in public places on my own, particularly if there is a crowd. These days, I cope with familiar places fairly well, such as the local shops, the park where I walk, and the beach. Any where I haven’t been causes me anxiety, unless I have someone I know with me.

My anxiety is related to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the symptoms of which tend to cycle through better times and bad times. While there has been a general improvement of my symptoms over the last two years, the last six months has seen my anxiety levels steadily increase, and a return of flashbacks and nightmares in the last few weeks.

My natural reaction has been to withdraw, as much as possible, and stay well within my comfort zone. Awareness of my withdrawal has been highlighted by the recent anniversary of making a conscious decision to face my fears and push myself to extend my life beyond my comfort zone to ensure that I live and make the most of every moment, instead of just existing.

I am very lucky and blessed to have some amazing friends, who are aware of my recent ‘bad’ habits, and have set some challenges for me to help overcome my fears, and ensure I remain committed to living life to the fullest.

So, here I am, completing Weekend Challenge #1 – take myself to the drag racing.

I’m a speedway girl. I was brought up regularly attending speedway meetings – my father raced saloon cars when I was very young, my uncle raced go-karts, my brother raced junior solos, and I did a stint as a swinger on sidecars – so essentially, speedway is in my blood. But I have never been to the drags.

It is slightly ironic going to the drags is my first Weekend Challenge, because it was making a conscious decision to face my speedway demons twelve months ago that started a year-long journey of staring my anxiety and fear in the eye, and choosing to live life anyway.

And here I am, alone, in the middle of a crowd, in a place I’ve never been, having a total blast!

Existence

To know in your heart who you are is one thing,
To be brave enough to show the world is another.
To embrace the crazy that makes your heart sing,
Is sometimes an urge you want to smother.
But who are we if we’re not ourselves,
If we push parts of us away,
Until all that’s left are empty shells
Who only exist, not live, each day?

Connection

Desperate for connection
Will somebody please make contact?
In some way, shape or form
Let me know I’m okay
Tell me I crossed your mind
Something reminded you of me
Show me I exist somewhere other
Than in my own imagination

New Day

The peaceful quiet of morning
The lazy chill before dawn
The excited chatter of birds
While I watch a day being born
And what this day will bring
No one is ever sure
But I hope your heart will sing
Like it never has before